Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
mumsnet is amazing
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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