Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Love it! 👍😂
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.