You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
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Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
a public service announcement
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.