Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
time for some seasonal decor
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
is nasa ok
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.