“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
scared to check what name she chose
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents