Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.