I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re