Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
☺️
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please