Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf