I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.