Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Breaking news:
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.