I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.
Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?