Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”