why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
A new level of troll.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u