A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
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[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
This 4th of July, please remember…
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.