Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I have a black belt in leather
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy