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wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?