me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!