Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
me when i see my girls butt
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Barbie gone wild
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I just ran a .003048K
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
oh you wanna fight?!
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…