Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.