@JermHimselfish

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

@JermHimselfish

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

@JermHimselfish

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

@JermHimselfish

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@JermHimselfish

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

@JermHimselfish

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.