her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.