The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
You Might Also Like
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”