If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.