By the age of 20 you should have
1. $10 in your account
2. a bad relationship story
3. a knee pain
5. back pain
By the age of 30 you should have
1. $100 in your account
2. a knee pain
4. back pain
[first day as a doctor]
me: u have breaked both your legs
patient: damn! so now?
me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice
my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say “at this age i can’t handle the responsibility of being a spiderman”
date: i am an old-fashioned lady
[to impress her]
me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*
waiter: what would you like to have?
me: bring a milkshake with two straws
me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink
saw this note on the bathroom door of my office
date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.
me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate
wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers