It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.