Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.