Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
opening twitter today
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?