would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
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It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.