Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
being a writer on Twitter:
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!