The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
You Might Also Like
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Anyone want a chair?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
black phone good
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!