[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there