You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.