How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
79.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.