@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

@Jesssicle

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

@Jesssicle

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

@Jesssicle

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

@Jesssicle

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

@Jesssicle

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

@Jesssicle

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

@Jesssicle

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.