If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.