Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly