[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
she has a point
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.