me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You Might Also Like
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I’d … I’d rather not.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
LMAO.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.