HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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