I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
(Electricians.)
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello