Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do