this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.