me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer
guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples
when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit
how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?
Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.
When girls ask if I’m good in bed, I tell them “Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours”.