@JhonRules

me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

@JhonRules

when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

@JhonRules

how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now

@JhonRules

Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours

@JhonRules

Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?

@JhonRules

Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.

@JhonRules

When girls ask if I’m good in bed, I tell them “Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours”.