Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume