@JimGaffigan

GOALS FOR MORNING:
Run
Clean up
Hang w/ kids
Workout
Write
Get organized
Respond to emails
Return calls

SO FAR:
Wrote this
About to nap

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@JimGaffigan

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@JimGaffigan

“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.