When does CPR become necrophilia?
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I鈥檓 at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Recipe comment: I didn鈥檛 use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there鈥檚 a chameleon secretly watching me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I鈥檓 thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don鈥檛 have kids
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team鈥檚 logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i鈥檇 be upset
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it鈥檚 the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.