Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’