Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Breaking news:
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I am a gravy boat captain
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do