I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
superman landing like a plane on his belly