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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.