Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone