my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.